By Joseph Elia
More so than any other time of year, the holidays force us to get together with people whose toxic personalities can rob us of our sanity. To help preserve your mental health, here is a list of beers that will ease the pain of interacting with them. Think of every sip as an inside joke protecting you from those who would rob you of your good cheer.
These people have no social filter and could care less
about the impact of their words. Their first comment is usually
about how much weight you have put on. The rest of their visit is filled with
insults such as “Is this turkey or shoe leather?”…“Your wife should do
something about her mustache.”…“When’s your husband coming out of the closet?” Drown
out this fusillade of insults with some Founders Curmudgeon. Brewed
with molasses and then oak aged, Curmudgeon has a slightly sweet profile with a
slick mouth feel that allows it to go down easily and the 9.8% ABV will shield
you from the S.O.B.’s onslaught of putdowns.
The Politico—Conservative/Liberal
We all have our political views, but most of us keep them
to ourselves or share them when involved in an open intellectual debate. But
The Politico turns every interaction into an opportunity to voice their
political views. “Looks like this turkey is on Obama Care.” “Your
house is so open and warm…just like our borders should be.”
To help you deal with the conservative at your next
event, drink Unibroue Trois Pistoles, a world class Belgian dark
ale. “Trois pistoles” means three pistols in French but you won’t
need a waiting period to fire a few rounds of this beer. At 9% ABV,
this dark and luxurious ale boasts flavors as big as Texas. Sip it
when you’re stuck listening to the everyday conservative prattle, swig it with
every mention of Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, or Fox News.
To deal with liberals, grab some Stone Sublimely Self Righteous. This well balanced, black IPA can turn any liberal diatribe into a bearable string of YADA YADA’s. Smooth as a Clinton come-on, this 8.7% ABV beer will have you thinking that a Prius really is a cool car.
The Social Vampire
The world sucks and life is full of pain. This
is essentially the mantra of social vampires. They are the victims
of an empty world that is not designed for sensitive caring people such as
themselves and they want to share this hollowness with you. Few joys
enter their lives and the ones that do are ripped away in some traumatic
way. They are extremely dangerous because listening to them too long
can “turn” you. You can’t avoid them either because they stalk
people with a preternatural ability no well-adjusted person can overcome. You
can, however, drive a stake through that black heart with Great Lakes
Nosferatu. Silky smooth with a delicate sweetness, this 8% ABV red
ale will put the color back into your cheeks and cast some sunlight on the
darkness you’re trying to fend off.
The Wholesome Ones
These folks are the polar opposite of the Social Vampire
but equally as draining. The Wholesome Ones fart sunshine and crap pixie
dust. As kids, they used hand signals on their bikes; as adults,
they come to complete stops at stop signs. In their free time, they work with
pediatric cancer patients. When they visit you they thank you for everything;
when you visit them they thank you for everything. Your feelings,
if not bursting with rainbows of excessive joy, are never validated but are
consumed by “Somebody has a case of the Mondays” platitudes. It is a
slow anguishing death by kindness. Counteract all this saccharin
sunshine with 21st Amendment Bitter American. The
grapefruit bitterness balances out the sweetness of the Wholesome Ones and the
low 4.4% ABV keeps you from kicking their asses.
The Wild Ones
These people are the disrupters of get-togethers. The
Wild Ones can be kids or adults who lack all forms of social graces. They pick
up what they shouldn’t, they leave half eaten plates of food around, they
interrupt conversations or say inappropriate things. Their wild
behavior usually starts an argument with the hosts or other guests. Sit
back and watch the shit-show while sipping on a Lagunitas Little Sumpin' Wild. This wheat-based Belgian style IPA couples a zesty citrus
flavor with a bit of Belgian yeast funk to create a boozy yet drinkable
beer. The 8.8% ABV will tone down the fracas nicely, allowing you to
be a cool spectator instead of a heated participant.
For these people, going to the supermarket is either an
episode of All My Children or an Indiana Jones movie. Their
work life, family life, and social life are horribly complicated and filled
with scoundrels, cheats, back stabbers, and evil plots against them. They
don’t go to work...they go to war….a simple play date can be an event filled
with Machiavellian hooliganism. What’s even worse than knowing someone
like this? Listening to their endlessly complicated stories. For
this type of person you want a beer with a little punch that goes down
easy, has a great hop flavor and enough ABV to insulate your soul from the
drama. Saga IPA from Summit Brewing fills the bill
nicely. Wonderfully balanced with a hop forward bite and at just
6.4% ABV, this lPA is straight forward and completely without any drama.
The Ham
Think Derek from Step Brothers. These
people can talk about nothing other than themselves. In fact, it is amazing how
well they can turn any conversation back to them. When they ask how
you are it is only to segue to themselves, their kids, their new car, their
promotion, or some other sign of their overwhelming success. Because
their self-involvement is unrelenting you will need to drink a lot of
beer. That’s why I recommend Hamm’s. This somewhat
flavorful, low ABV beer lacks depth and complexity much like the d-bag who
blocked the neighbor’s driveway with his Range Rover.
And the Rest....
There are other beers whose names clearly identify the toxic personalities
they pair with best. Flying Dog's Raging Bitch, Stone's Arrogant
Bastard, Founder's Dirty Bastard, DuClaw's Dirty Little Freak or Surly's
Abrasive easily come to mind.
All the beers in this post are exceptional by themselves, but using them to protect yourself from myrth-suckers during the holidays is an excellent way to save your sanity and put a little twinkle in your eye.
© Joseph Elia and Firkin Around, 2013, 2014, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Joseph Elia and Firkin' Around with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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